First of all, I want to thank Gail for sending the following story to me. Gail is a fellow survivor, and she knows the struggles we have after everything we go through to regain what we call "A new normal" I know she also understands me, as she has been an online friend now for almost 5 years.
I know my issues have to do with losing my mother at a young age. When she was sick I was praying to God sometimes every hour and pleading with Him to let her to stay with me. She did not, she could not, and in 1976, she went home to our Lord. For many years I was mad at God, it was all a lie, he did not answer prayers as everyone had said.
I remember after a long conversation with someone about my anger they looked at me and placed their hand on my shoulder and said; " God answered you Kris, he just said no" Like water pouring over me, the anger washed away and I knew this was true, but it was not until I had struggled through my own illness that I felt God with me daily. Through surgeries, reconstruction, and healing and being healthy 5 years, He has been with me.
A Tandem Ride With God
I used to think of God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things
I did wrong, so as to know whether I merited heaven or hell when I die. He
was out there, sort of like a president. I recognized His picture when I saw
it, but I didn't really know Him.
But later on, when I met Jesus, it seemed as though life was rather like a
bike, but it was a tandem bike, and I noticed that Jesus was in the back
helping me pedal. I didn't know just when it was He suggested we change, but
life has not been the same since I took the back-seat to Jesus, my Lord. He
makes life exciting. When I had control, I thought I knew the way. It was
rather boring, but predictable. It was the shortest distance between two
But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, and
through rocky places and at break-through speeds; it was all I could do to
hang on! Even though it often looked like madness, He said, "Pedal!" I was
worried and anxious and asked, "Where are you taking me?" He laughed and
didn't answer and I started to learn to trust. I forgot my boring life and
entered into adventure. And when I'd say, "I'm scared", He'd lean back and
touch my hand.
He took me to people with gifts that I needed, gifts of healing, acceptance
and joy. They gave me their gifts to take on my journey, our journey, my
Lord's and mine. And we were off again. He said, "Give the gifts away;
they're extra baggage, too much weight." So I did, to the people we met, and
I found in giving I received, and still our burden was light.
I did not trust Him, at first, in control of my life. I thought He'd wreck
it, but He knows bike secrets, knows how to make it bend to take sharp
corners, jump to clear high rocks, fly to shorten scary passages. And I am
learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places, and I'm beginning to
enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant
And when I'm sure I just can't do any more, He just smiles and says...
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